Changing Seasons

Song of the Night: “July” by Jhené and Drake

I’m sitting here wrapped in a blanket on my couch, overlooking the Space Needle and waterfront from the living room window. The cold breeze creeps through, reminding me so effortlessly that summer has truly ended and the fall chill is underway. I can’t help but feel so many mixed emotions. Gratitude for a fresh start. Sadness for leaving the life I had only three months ago.

It's just not our season

The one and only reason

Baby oh, baby oh

Our summer turned into fall

Not only has the reality around me changed seasons, but so have I internally. I once was in a season of heartache and learning lessons; now I’m in the season of getting settled and making room. But I can’t seem to shake the old me and create space for the new me just yet. I look at my reflection in this window, tall buildings and city lights glowing all around me. Living in a high rise in a big city has always been a goal of mine, but the girl staring back at me feels so out of place.

If I know there’s something better for me on the other side, why is it so hard to let go?

See it's funny cause I never thought this would end

But then the season changed

I type this as I listen to “July” on repeat, specifically Jhené’s parts. One sweet thing about Jhené is that she’ll put into words what I feel in my heart, and this song holds so much weight. July as a month has always been a bittersweet time in my life, but this year hit even deeper for me. Tough breakups, long distance friendships, moving cities – redefining everything I thought I knew about myself and what I wanted.

Before moving back here in July, I left Seattle at 19 for Los Angeles. Since then I’ve lived in big and small cities alike, never really staying in a place for more than a year or two. Sometimes I didn’t even make it to six months. That’s just been my M.O. I left whenever I felt like it and to wherever I was drawn to at the time. I attribute this partly to my own childhood of constantly moving apartments and adjusting to new environments, but this habitual way of operating also stemmed from my fear of settling and confrontation. Scared to settle into a life I didn’t fully choose for myself. Equally scared to confront the fact that I always longed for a sense of belonging because everywhere and nowhere felt like home all at once.

Ten years of self-discovery brought me back to the place I never thought I would return to. But this homecoming is becoming so enlightening and revolutionary as I figure out how to bring in the next phase of my life. This is the biggest challenge I’ve set out for myself: finding healing in the same place I ran from for a decade. Who is this season calling me to be? What do I want my life to look like by next July? Who gets to decide what direction my journey takes?

And as uncomfortable as I am in this phase, I’m working on embracing the vulnerability. Revisiting past loves and favorite parts of the city so I could allow comfort and familiarity into my life. Telling people how much I adore and appreciate them without fear because words live on forever and my past mistakes never defined me. Shedding the tired layers of the old me during the fall and winter so I could bloom in the springtime.

And most importantly, crafting myself into a woman who inspires me, day by day, fallen leaf by fallen leaf from the maple trees.

Can’t wait for, can’t wait for, can’t wait for springtime

And I will turn into a butterfly

I will spread my wings and fly

And I’m too fly for this sh*t

Thank you to the city for bringing me back home with open arms. It’s taken me in with so much warmth, cozy like my momma’s couch and the flea market Asian blanket she saves just for me. Nostalgic for the sounds of the Soufend as I settle into my new life in downtown Seattle. I’m literally living out a full circle moment I didn’t even know could exist. What’s even sweeter is that you’re here with me, reading, listening, taking a glimpse into the real me.

And as luvforthecity grows – whether it’s a personal blog post, sharing my travel experiences, crafting the cutest date night for all my lovers in the city – just know that this will forever be a labor of love.

Always,

Alina